It’s the holiday season, often described as the most joyous and giving time of the year. It’s also the most stressful, according to Andrea Hughes, a singles, marriage and family counselor in Northeast Washington.

Hughes, who recently lectured on dealing with holiday stress at the Woodridge regional branch of the D.C. Public Library, said between Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and New Year’s many residents get so stressed they forget the reasons why they’re celebrating.

"Celebrations should be fun, not frustrating," she said. "We get hooked so much into the commercialism — who’s buying what and where to go — that we miss the whole point."

Hughes advises using three P’s in fighting stress during the holidays: perspective, purpose and play. She said women especially should ask themselves, "Why am I doing this?" and "For whom am I doing this?"

"Many women over-estimate the time they have available for holiday projects," she said.

Hughes, who uses a Christian basis for her counseling, used biblical references to illustrate the stress that comes with special occasions

"Once you’ve realized your purpose, you can enjoy yourself," she said. "This is the playing part."

Hughes suggested giving alternative gifts, such as a day of pampering at a local salon. She also gives stress tests — called a "lifestyle inventory" — to help men and women gain a more objective view of the holiday responsibilities that may be added to their everyday schedule.

Examples from the test include: "As a general rule, I can count on (how many?) hours of free time a day?" or "I usually spend those unscheduled hours in the following ways…." Questions for the family would be "How hard is everyone working?" or " What should we be thankful for?"

Hughes said families could minimize stress by talking about gift expectations and changing traditions. Volunteering at soup kitchens and shelters during Thanksgiving and Christmas are a relaxing alternative approach to cooking a big meal, she suggested. Families can reduce money worries by making gifts instead of buying them, drawing names to reduce the number of necessary gifts and making decorations.

"The family should first ask each other if they are ready to change their traditions," she said.

Some holiday stress can be severe, Hughes said, noting that suicide rates peak around December. Hughes said people may become depressed remembering someone who died or who is not with them for other reasons during the holidays. She said people should try to share their times and make new rituals with new people.

"Let go of it, talk it out and listen if someone needs you to," she said. "Listening is a gift, and sharing your innermost feelings with a friend or good listener is a gift."

Others may get depressed because they cannot afford to buy certain things, like a gift their child really wants.

"Realize people, places and things like money don’t make us happy," she said. "It’s what we bring to others."

Hughes suggests beating the holiday blues by turning up some uplifting, upbeat, music or cleaning up and brightening a favorite room. Some people may want to deal with loneliness directly by seeing a therapist or counselor. Clergy and doctors can also be a source of help.

"Beware of buying into false images of happiness in television and advertising," Hughes said. "Rather than focusing on what we don’t receive or gain or what we cannot do, we should make these special seasons a time of thanksgiving and gratitude for what we have received and are still receiving, big and small."

Copyright 1998, The Common Denominator